this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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