life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
