I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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