i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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