Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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