ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
