Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
false alarm. still invincible.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
