why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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