why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
