i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
This baby is an asshole
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
