ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
