the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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