im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
