North Korea, Best Korea!
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
