Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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