The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
