I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
