Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
