it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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