Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
