when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
