If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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