I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
