It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
