i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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