If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
