He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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