I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
