mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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