So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
