1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
