At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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