I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
