I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
