My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
