Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize