i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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