I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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