nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Quick, to the slutcave!
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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