it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
