If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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