Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
