heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize