I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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