There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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