I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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