I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
