I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
