My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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