the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
