i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
