there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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