If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
