my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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