Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
