U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
