I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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