Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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