respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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