Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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