just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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