Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You were trust falling into bushes
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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