I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize