I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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