shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize