seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Randomize
