I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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