I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
