Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
